Emotional neglect and isolation

Abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of yours. Many abusers will try to come between you and people who are supportive of you to make you more dependent on them. They may even try and isolate you from normal relationships with your children, by making you look like the bad person.

They do this by:

Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street.

Shutting down communication. 

They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.

Dehumanising you. 

They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you.

Keeping you from socialising. 

Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.

Trying to come between you and your family. 

They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions.

Withholding affection. 

They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something.

Tuning you out. 

They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship.

Actively working to turn others against you. 

They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics.

Calling you needy. 

When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.

Interrupting.

You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them.

Indifference. 

They see you hurt or crying and do nothing.

Disputing your feelings. 

Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all.These tactics are meant to undermine your self-esteem. The abuse is harsh and unrelenting in matters big and small.

In the end, to try and retaliate, you end up mirroring some of the above behaviours yourself, which in turn can go against your core values and thus lead to your own depression.

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping that your situation will change or you’re afraid of how your partner will react if he discovers that you’re trying to leave. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. 

The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are being emotionally abused, remember:

• You are not to blame for being mistreated.
• You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behaviour.
• You deserve to be treated with respect.
• You deserve a safe and happy life.
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

If you’re being mentally and emotionally abused, trust your instincts. Know that it isn’t right and you don’t have to live this way.

Your choices come down to the specifics of your situation. Here’s what you can do:

Accept that the abuse isn’t your responsibility. 

Don’t try to reason with your abuser. You may want to help, but it’s unlikely they’ll break this pattern of behaviour without professional counselling. That’s their responsibility.

Disengage and set personal boundaries. 

Decide that you won’t respond to abuse or get sucked into arguments. Stick to it. Limit exposure to the abuser as much as you can.

Exit the relationship or circumstance. 

If possible, cut all ties. Make it clear that it’s over and don’t look back. You might also want to find a therapist who can show you a healthy way to move forward.

Give yourself time to heal. 

Reach out to supportive friends and family members. If you think it will help, find a therapist who can help you in your recovery.

Leaving the relationship is more complex if you’re married, have children, or have commingled assets. 

If that’s your situation, seek legal assistance.

Seek immediate help if you’re physically threatened or abused and call your country’s local emergency service, whether you are a man or woman and especially if there are children involved.