AccuseblamedenialInfopage

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Accusing, blaming and denial

What is accusing, blaming and denial in a relationship?

This behaviour comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom.

Here are some examples:

Jealousy.

They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.

Turning the tables.

They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.

Denying something you know is true.

An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.

Using guilt.

They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.

Goading then blaming.

Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.

Denying their abuse.

When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.

Accusing you of abuse.

They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim. You end up questioning your reactions and even start to believe that its true. You can't remember a time when you didn't walk on eggshells and life was normal. Worse, they tell other people that you are abusive and thus trapping you as the bad person.

Trivialising.

When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.

Saying you have no sense of humour.

Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.

Blaming you for their problems.

Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.

Destroying and denying.

They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it. Trying to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies is just another path to power.

Gaslighting go hand in hand with narcissism...

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

The term “gaslighting” comes from a play and subsequent movie called “Gaslight.” In the movie, the devious husband, played by Charles Boyer, manipulates and torments his wife, played by Ingrid Bergman, to convince her she’s going mad.

Gaslighting, whether intentional or not, is a form of manipulation. Gaslighting can happen in many types of relationships, including those with bosses, friends, and parents. But one of the most devastating forms of gaslighting is when it occurs in a relationship between a couple.

Signs of gaslighting

According to Robin Stern, PhD, author of the book “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” signs that you are a victim of gaslighting include:

no longer feeling like the person you used to be
being more anxious and less confident than you used to be
often wondering if you’re being too sensitive
feeling like everything you do is wrong
always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong
apologising often
having a sense that something’s wrong, but being unable to identify what it is
often questioning whether your response to your partner is appropriate (e.g., wondering if you were too unreasonable or not loving enough)
making excuses for your partner’s behaviour
avoiding giving information to friends or family members to avoid confrontation about your partner
feeling isolated from friends and family
finding it increasingly hard to make decisions
feeling hopeless and taking little or no pleasure in activities you used to enjoy

Gaslighting examples

People who gaslight become expert at pushing your buttons, and they know your sensitivities and vulnerabilities and use that knowledge against you. They make you doubt yourself, your judgment, your memory, and even your sanity. They will more than likely also use your children as pawns to further their abuse.

Examples include:

Trivialising how you feel:

“Oh yeah, now you’re going to feel really sorry for yourself.”

Telling you that people are talking behind your back:

“Don’t you know? The whole family talks about you. They think you’re losing it.” making you feel that they are the only people that you can rely on when in actual fact the opposite is true. They will then tell other people that you don't want to speak to them or even fabricate lies that you talk about that particular person. Thus making people mistrust and keep away from you.

Saying things to you that they later deny having said:

“I didn’t say I’d take the deposit to the bank. What are you talking about? Thanks a lot for the insufficient funds fee we’re going to get.”

Hiding objects from you, and then deny knowing anything about it:

“You seriously can’t find your sunglasses again? That’s alarming.” or they will hide your phone or try and block access to contacts in your phonebook or even impersonate you in messages to further alienate you from friends and family.

Insisting you were or were not at a certain place, even though it’s not true:

“You’re crazy. You never went to that show with me. I should know.”

People who gaslight other people in their lives may have a psychological disorder called narcissistic personality disorder.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they’re extremely important and that the world revolves around them. They’re self-absorbed and don’t have time or interest in others unless it serves a purpose for them. They aren’t empathetic and don’t have the ability, or the interest, to understand what another person is feeling or experiencing.

Narcissists crave attention and praise and can be demanding. They have grandiose views of themselves, their lives, and their futures, and they often use manipulation as a way of achieving their personal goals.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

project an inflated sense of self-importance
exaggerate their achievements
respond to criticism with anger
use others for personal gain
expect special consideration or special treatment
be highly critical of others
become envious and jealous easily

MORE ABOUT NARCISSISTS AND NPD

There is light at the end of the tunnel...

How to leave an emotionally abusive relationship

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping that your situation will change or you’re afraid of how your partner will react if he discovers that you’re trying to leave. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame.

The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are being emotionally abused, remember:

You are not to blame for being mistreated.
You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behaviour.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve a safe and happy life.
Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

If you’re being mentally and emotionally abused, trust your instincts. Know that it isn’t right and you don’t have to live this way.

Your choices come down to the specifics of your situation. Here’s what you can do:

Accept that the abuse isn’t your responsibility.

Don’t try to reason with your abuser. You may want to help, but it’s unlikely they’ll break this pattern of behaviour without professional counselling. That’s their responsibility.

Disengage and set personal boundaries.

Decide that you won’t respond to abuse or get sucked into arguments. Stick to it. Limit exposure to the abuser as much as you can.

Exit the relationship or circumstance.

If possible, cut all ties. Make it clear that it’s over and don’t look back. You might also want to find a therapist who can show you a healthy way to move forward.

Give yourself time to heal.

Reach out to supportive friends and family members. If you think it will help, find a therapist who can help you in your recovery.

Leaving the relationship is more complex if you’re married, have children, or have commingled assets.

If that’s your situation, seek legal assistance.

Seek immediate help if you’re physically threatened or abused and call your country’s local emergency service, whether you are a man or woman and especially if there are children involved.

We are here waiting for when it's your time to heal...

Getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t easy, but you deserve to live free of fear.

But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and emotionally threatened.

There are many resources available online for help breaking the cycle.

Start by reaching out today and talking to someone you trust so you can make a plan to get free.

We will be here waiting for you when it's your time to heal...

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We are here waiting for you when it's your time to heal...

After you’ve left.

Leaving a mentally abusive relationship can be a huge blow to your abuser and their sense of entitlement and self-importance. Their need for control still needs to be fed, so they’ll often continue trying to exert control over you. If charm and “love bombing” doesn’t work, they may resort to threats, denigrating you to mutual friends and acquaintances, or stalking you, on social media or in person.

Cut off all contact.

The more contact you have with them, the more hope you’ll give them that they can reel you back in. It’s safer to block their calls, texts, and emails, and disconnect from them on social media. If you have children together, have others with you for any scheduled custody handovers.

Allow yourself to grieve.

Breakups can be extremely painful, whatever the circumstances. Even ending a toxic relationship can leave you feeling sad, angry, confused, and grieving the loss of shared dreams and commitments. Healing can take time, so go easy on yourself and turn to family and friends for support.

Don’t expect the abuser to share your grief.

Once the message sinks in that you will no longer be feeding their ego, the abuser will likely soon move on to exploit someone else. They won’t feel loss or guilt, just that never-ending need for praise and admiration. This is no reflection on you, but rather an illustration of how very one-sided their relationships always are.

it is possible for one idea to change the world

Accusing, blaming and denial

What is accusing, blaming and denial in a relationship?

We are here waiting for when it's your time to heal...

Gaslighting go hand in hand with narcissism...

What is gaslighting?

Signs of gaslighting

Gaslighting examples

People who gaslight other people in their lives may have a psychological disorder called narcissistic personality disorder.

There is light at the end of the tunnel...

How to leave an emotionally abusive relationship

We are here waiting for when it's your time to heal...

We are here waiting for you when it's your time to heal...

After you’ve left.

Cut off all contact.

Allow yourself to grieve.

Don’t expect the abuser to share your grief.

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