Accusing, blaming and denial

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

The term “gaslighting” comes from a play and subsequent movie called “Gaslight.” In the movie, the devious husband, played by Charles Boyer, manipulates and torments his wife, played by Ingrid Bergman, to convince her she’s going mad.

Gaslighting, whether intentional or not, is a form of manipulation. Gaslighting can happen in many types of relationships, including those with bosses, friends, and parents. But one of the most devastating forms of gaslighting is when it occurs in a relationship between a couple.

According to Robin Stern, PhD, author of the book “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” signs that you are a victim of gaslighting include:

• no longer feeling like the person you used to be
• being more anxious and less confident than you used to be
• often wondering if you’re being too sensitive
• feeling like everything you do is wrong
• always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong
• apologising often
• having a sense that something’s wrong, but being unable to identify what it is
• often questioning whether your response to your partner is appropriate (e.g., wondering if you were too unreasonable or not loving enough)
• making excuses for your partner’s behaviour
• avoiding giving information to friends or family members to avoid confrontation about your partner
• feeling isolated from friends and family
• finding it increasingly hard to make decisions
• feeling hopeless and taking little or no pleasure in activities you used to enjoy

People who gaslight become expert at pushing your buttons, and they know your sensitivities and vulnerabilities and use that knowledge against you. They make you doubt yourself, your judgment, your memory, and even your sanity. They will more than likely also use your children as pawns to further their abuse.

Examples include:

Trivialising how you feel: 

“Oh yeah, now you’re going to feel really sorry for yourself.”

Telling you that people are talking behind your back: 

“Don’t you know? The whole family talks about you. They think you’re losing it.” making you feel that they are the only people that you can rely on when in actual fact the opposite is true. They will then tell other people that you don't want to speak to them or even fabricate lies that you talk about that particular person. Thus making people mistrust and keep away from you.

Saying things to you that they later deny having said: 

“I didn’t say I’d take the deposit to the bank. What are you talking about? Thanks a lot for the insufficient funds fee we’re going to get.”

Hiding objects from you, and then deny knowing anything about it: 

“You seriously can’t find your sunglasses again? That’s alarming.” or they will hide your phone or try and block access to contacts in your phonebook or even impersonate you in messages to further alienate you from friends and family.

Insisting you were or were not at a certain place, even though it’s not true: 

“You’re crazy. You never went to that show with me. I should know.”

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they’re extremely important and that the world revolves around them. They’re self-absorbed and don’t have time or interest in others unless it serves a purpose for them. They aren’t empathetic and don’t have the ability, or the interest, to understand what another person is feeling or experiencing.

Narcissists crave attention and praise and can be demanding. They have grandiose views of themselves, their lives, and their futures, and they often use manipulation as a way of achieving their personal goals.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

• project an inflated sense of self-importance
• exaggerate their achievements
• respond to criticism with anger
• use others for personal gain
• expect special consideration or special treatment
• be highly critical of others
• become envious and jealous easily

Leaving a mentally abusive relationship can be a huge blow to your abuser  and their sense of entitlement and self-importance. Their need for control still needs to be fed, so they’ll often continue trying to exert control over you. If charm and “love bombing” doesn’t work, they may resort to threats, denigrating you to mutual friends and acquaintances, or stalking you, on social media or in person.

The more contact you have with them, the more hope you’ll give them that they can reel you back in. It’s safer to block their calls, texts, and emails, and disconnect from them on social media. If you have children together, have others with you for any scheduled custody handovers.  

Breakups can be extremely painful, whatever the circumstances. Even ending a toxic relationship can leave you feeling sad, angry, confused, and grieving the loss of shared dreams and commitments. Healing can take time, so go easy on yourself and turn to family and friends for support.

Once the message sinks in that you will no longer be feeding their ego, the abuser will likely soon move on to exploit someone else. They won’t feel loss or guilt, just that never-ending need for praise and admiration. This is no reflection on you, but rather an illustration of how very one-sided their relationships always are.